Thursday, September 23, 2010

ABC catalog - hit or miss?

I got an ABC distributing catalog in the mail yesterday.  While they normally go in the recycling bin (I've asked 3 times to be removed from the mailing list), the picture of the cozy pet bed sacks and WWE Encyclopedia:  The Definitive Guide on the front intrigued me to look further.  In a bad, snarky way.  My investigation into the treasures included in this catalog did not disappoint.  Let me 'splain.

But before I 'splain, I must say that if I offend you in any way by bashing something you'd consider buying, or maybe have been looking for in your shopping travels, I apologize.  Wait, no I don't - this stuff is useless!  Really?  You've been looking for a dog, cat, or frog that is not only a scotch tape dispenser, but also holds paper clips, pens, and post-its?  Well, you're weird.

The first item I'd like to share is the Toilet Mug.  Yep, I said it:

According to its description, this 'silly shaped mug makes a great gag gift for a coffee or tea lover.'  I think the caption should read:  'buy this mug for a friend or family member who drinks tea or coffee and get punched in the face.'  I think anything you drink out of this mug would taste like pee - am I right?  What a horrible idea for a novelty item!  Imaging drinking out of this in the galley or cafeteria and seeing people staring at you with a face of horror, no doubt thinking 'Dear God, is he drinking out of the toilet?  Even my dog knows better!'

Next, we have the Deer Ridge sueded shower curtain.  Deer Ridge is actually the name of a whole collection of bathroom items which, on their own, wouldn't be so hideous if paired with plain, subtle bath rugs, and a white or tan shower curtain.  But the shower curtain is just too much.

BTW, I've never seen suede verbed before, what does 'sueded' mean?  Surely the curtain isn't actually suede, since it's only $17.95 - is that some sort of marketing ploy to get us to think it's suede?  Who knows.  Anyways, it screams 'we live in the woods and love it so much we want a nature view even when we're in the can!'

Next up is the 'Dishwasher Magnet Art' - which has a best-seller star on ABC's website.  That makes me laugh.  If I had a stainless steel dishwasher, I surely wouldn't cover it up with this hideous 4-snowmen-and-a-bunny scene.

I also wouldn't cover it with 'Harvest,' with the bountiful cornucopia filled with fruits and vegetables.  The 'Apples' one isn't so bad because it reminds me of apple picking and my disastrous attempt at making applesauce, but I wouldn't buy that one either.  Blech.

The last item I'm sharing is the least repulsive of them all.  As I shared this with multiple men at work today, they all said it would be helpful while cutting the grass, as well as sitting on the couch for long periods of time without the pesky interruption of having to get up to get a drink.

That's right - if you're too lazy to get up to get a new drink when you've finished the first 4 or 5, look no further than your waist to retrieve another.  You can fit a whole 6-pack in this handy drink holster, and it comes in black, pink, and camouflage - something for everyone, right?  It's just magical.  Those men who saw this in the catalog and applauded it might be getting one for Christmas - and at $4.95 each, it won't break the bank even if I buy 6 - one for Dave and the rest for all my honorary big brothers! 

**Honorable mentions go to the following items:
Women's Hooded Neckwarmers - reminds me of Queen Amidala's casual look:

6 Decorative Balls - made of cold cast ceramic, these are just weapons waiting to be thrown at your next family reunion:
Jolly Snowman Bath Collection - didn't want to include 2 snowman bashing entries, but this one's just awful:
Sets Of 4 Novelty Signs - if you have a t-shirt that says "These Colors Don't Run," chances are you'll love these sarcastic, backwoods signs:

Finally, if any of these items show up at a Dirty Santa/White Elephant/Chinese Christmas game in December, don't be surprised.  However, if any of these items show up in my stocking in December, you will be punched in the face.  That is all.  kthxbi.


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